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Naming Our Sickness

Collective Prayer from CRE Cohorts recreated by Tiff, Laura, Katie, and Rebekah

 

Tiff

Are you upset with the world? Or are you just upset with yourself?

How are we supposed to live like this?

Are my prayers answered? 

Will I ever be enough?

Silencing…ancestors spoken but punished

Fear, rejection, lack of safety

It's okay to speak. To be open. To be honest. In the practice

BURN. FIRE. FEAR. RUN. DEATH

Burning at the stake

Pitting people against each other

Bleeding Blood

Fire spitting from the ocean

Spitting fire from belly

Not listening to guidance

Invisible, no more

CAN'T MOVE / DON'T WANT TO MOVE

SAY SOMETHING!

Firestorm trapped in my throat

Honor your rage. Let it go! Let it go! Hollerback!

Lost. i dont know who i am

Mother tongue not english

Disconnection. Am I doing this right? rejected/rejecting

What is over there? It seems better

Loneliness

I'm not eating well. Fed false notions of success

I have nothing to say anymore. Words no longer feel useful

Get there / get here / get there / get that

I'M TIRED!

Triggers a sickness

Worthlessness…ness..nesss

Cancer survivor. Being unwanted by lover. Always shrouded by mystery

Delusion. 

Why so invisible?

Where in the world/in the body are you

3 generations

My mom committed suicide. Me at the verge of madness. Daughter by addiction

Always trying to fill the big void

Because im shaken, rattled

Not being there for myself

So uninterested, blah, boring, no life, why are the arms tucked in?

So plain/so plain looking

I worry i fear i am so insignificant that i don't matter

Indifference as a defense mechanism/ as stalling

Indifference as grief

I wish to be seen

Indifference as courage/as strength

There is a clarity that comes over hameongaye

Can we be still/can we be clear? Into wholeness

It started thousands of years ago

It began as scarcity, fear of unsafety

We made not feeling safe natural and normal

To the point that the criticisms and judgements of others

For the point of safety grew into self judgment, self hatred

Into a millennium struggle to receive and to be seen fully

So it lives in our bones now

What do you do what haemongyae is also a protector?

Today the answer is let them see how brave you are

Let them see how brave we are

 

Laura

Cosmic upheavals 

Hurting hurting hurting

Trying trying trying

Who am I when I feel loved?

 

Get this get that 

Get this get that

Get this get that

I’m tired

 

Take our spirits

Burn down our homes

Blood bleeding

Blood bleeding

Blood bleeding

Addictions

 

I fear that I am insignificant

 

Let them see 

How brave we are

Why don’t you say something?

Stone in my throat

My ancestors who spoke up were punished

Why don’t you say something?

My ancestors who spoke up were punished

Stone in my throat

Why don’t you say something?

Say something 

Why don’t you say something?

Say something

Say something

 

 


 

KT

Dispossessed of land

Not to know.

It’s cruel.

We didn’t start dancing bound, we started dancing powerful.

We made not feeling safe natural and normal.

It lives in our bones now

And we fear are they right about me?

Is the self-hatred true?

 

Trapped in your head

Remember then let it go

go

go

go

go…


First they take our spirit. Fire.

Putting people against each other.
Blood, bleeding. Take our blood.

How can we live in this society with no relations?

Will our prayers ever be answered?

Listening, listening, are you listening? Am i still with you? I’m listening, does this get better or must i do this? Please guide me, please guide me.

Invisible no more,

bracing until something comes.

 

I don’t know who i am

My mother tongue is not english but that is the only tongue i know.

What is up there?

I’m not eating well.

I’ve been fed false notions…

Knowing why doesn’t take away the feelings of shame

Words no longer feel useful.

Heomangyee still making me upset.

Tear.

 

Hide hide hide hide

No more no more

Hide your worth, hide your wisdom.

My ancestors have spoken up and been punished for it.

Gentleness practice - need to feel safe and secure so that can release truth into the world.

 

I can’t find my own writing!

Triggers sickness - ness, ness, less less

Beloved death. Cosmic upheavals.

Fear of being unwanted by lover.

Heomaengyee shrouded in mystery.

Why so always invisible?

Where in body are you?

Boy, you can mess up our head real good.

You are as ancient as we are - no, more ancient. 

And yet we don’t know you. 

Rattled by many things. Not solid.

What makes us so unstable?

Always filling that big hole, void. Crawls into addiction.

Heomaengyee, show me how to get you. 

 

False smile

Veil

Tears dammed up.

Who are you? 

When no one is watching?

Scared to make a difference. 

WHAT IS IT?
CAN YOU CHOOSE A SIDE?

Can you deeply listen. 

Stop

the
mind.

 

What do you do when Heomaengyee is also a protector?

 

Bekah

When no one is watching

When you aren’t trying to prove 

When you feel loved

Scared to commit deeper

Too idealistic?

Lost or complacent?

What give meaning?

Selfish or self-less

Can you choose a side

Is it worth creating art over

Are you like monkey king?

Are you an addict, a narcissist

What is it?

Can you deeply listen to yourself?

Stop the mind

 

Frustration

Silence weighs

My ancestors spoke up and were punished

Requires tenderness

It’s okay now, times are different

It’s okay to speak/it’s okay to not speak

 

First they take our spirit

Fire, our spirit

Colonization

Fear; burning; blood; bleeding

 

Fire spitting from the ocean

How it evades a container having all and no form

Not listening to guidance

 

Invisible no more

Slicing through the stone in my throat

Why don’t you say something, “Say something!”

 

Her gaze mocks you, or does it?

Remember, then let it go

Tears struggle to flow, dammed up by shame

 

I have nothing to say anymore

Lost

Am I living? I don’t feel alive

Rejected; rejecting

Loneliness; numbness

Fed false notions of success

Words no longer feel useful

 

Get here, get this, get here, get this

I’m tired

Hide your wisdom

Hide your identity

 

Sickness, helplessness, loves death, hunger, traumas, cancer survivor, violence, tragic death

What causes your mind

Where in our body are you? Heart? Muscles?

Hurts, hurts, hurts and hurts

Existed long before humans came to be

Last time I identified you as the crazy one

Women of three generations have symptoms of you

Rattled by many things

Can’t sit for too long

What makes us so unstable

She crawls into addiction

Show me how to get to you

 

So impatient with heongmanyee

Why are they so plain looking

I want to be significant

I want to be visible

Indifference as a defense mechanism

Trying to build up the support

Indifference as courage; strength

Detach from the chaos, the muck

Clarity comes from heomaengyee

 

Heomaengyee Is still making me upset

Loneliness and fear

Questioning

But then I felt like nothing else was supposed to come out, at least for today

 

It started thousands of years ago

Sanctity.  Natural and normal

Criticism and judgment of others, grew into self judgment, self-hatred

Is that self-hatred true?

Healing the self is also healing the ancestors

Today the answer is: Let them see how brave you are

 

All stories from Amy Huỳnh, Dongyi Wu, Emily Encina, Judy-Jaeeun Jun, Katie Tao, Frances Cachapero, Laura Coelho, Rebekah Olstad, Inhui Lee, Sol Rhee, Trang Tran, Katherine Kim Tom, Tiff Rex Rei, and Dohee Lee

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