Naming Our Sickness
Collective Prayer from CRE Cohorts recreated by Tiff, Laura, Katie, and Rebekah
Tiff
Are you upset with the world? Or are you just upset with yourself?
How are we supposed to live like this?
Are my prayers answered?
Will I ever be enough?
Silencing…ancestors spoken but punished
Fear, rejection, lack of safety
It's okay to speak. To be open. To be honest. In the practice
BURN. FIRE. FEAR. RUN. DEATH
Burning at the stake
Pitting people against each other
Bleeding Blood
Fire spitting from the ocean
Spitting fire from belly
Not listening to guidance
Invisible, no more
CAN'T MOVE / DON'T WANT TO MOVE
SAY SOMETHING!
Firestorm trapped in my throat
Honor your rage. Let it go! Let it go! Hollerback!
Lost. i dont know who i am
Mother tongue not english
Disconnection. Am I doing this right? rejected/rejecting
What is over there? It seems better
Loneliness
I'm not eating well. Fed false notions of success
I have nothing to say anymore. Words no longer feel useful
Get there / get here / get there / get that
I'M TIRED!
Triggers a sickness
Worthlessness…ness..nesss
Cancer survivor. Being unwanted by lover. Always shrouded by mystery
Delusion.
Why so invisible?
Where in the world/in the body are you
3 generations
My mom committed suicide. Me at the verge of madness. Daughter by addiction
Always trying to fill the big void
Because im shaken, rattled
Not being there for myself
So uninterested, blah, boring, no life, why are the arms tucked in?
So plain/so plain looking
I worry i fear i am so insignificant that i don't matter
Indifference as a defense mechanism/ as stalling
Indifference as grief
I wish to be seen
Indifference as courage/as strength
There is a clarity that comes over hameongaye
Can we be still/can we be clear? Into wholeness
It started thousands of years ago
It began as scarcity, fear of unsafety
We made not feeling safe natural and normal
To the point that the criticisms and judgements of others
For the point of safety grew into self judgment, self hatred
Into a millennium struggle to receive and to be seen fully
So it lives in our bones now
What do you do what haemongyae is also a protector?
Today the answer is let them see how brave you are
Let them see how brave we are
Laura
Cosmic upheavals
Hurting hurting hurting
Trying trying trying
Who am I when I feel loved?
Get this get that
Get this get that
Get this get that
I’m tired
Take our spirits
Burn down our homes
Blood bleeding
Blood bleeding
Blood bleeding
Addictions
I fear that I am insignificant
Let them see
How brave we are
Why don’t you say something?
Stone in my throat
My ancestors who spoke up were punished
Why don’t you say something?
My ancestors who spoke up were punished
Stone in my throat
Why don’t you say something?
Say something
Why don’t you say something?
Say something
Say something
KT
Dispossessed of land
Not to know.
It’s cruel.
We didn’t start dancing bound, we started dancing powerful.
We made not feeling safe natural and normal.
It lives in our bones now
And we fear are they right about me?
Is the self-hatred true?
Trapped in your head
Remember then let it go
go
go
go
go…
First they take our spirit. Fire.
Putting people against each other.
Blood, bleeding. Take our blood.
How can we live in this society with no relations?
Will our prayers ever be answered?
Listening, listening, are you listening? Am i still with you? I’m listening, does this get better or must i do this? Please guide me, please guide me.
Invisible no more,
bracing until something comes.
I don’t know who i am
My mother tongue is not english but that is the only tongue i know.
What is up there?
I’m not eating well.
I’ve been fed false notions…
Knowing why doesn’t take away the feelings of shame
Words no longer feel useful.
Heomangyee still making me upset.
Tear.
Hide hide hide hide
No more no more
Hide your worth, hide your wisdom.
My ancestors have spoken up and been punished for it.
Gentleness practice - need to feel safe and secure so that can release truth into the world.
I can’t find my own writing!
Triggers sickness - ness, ness, less less
Beloved death. Cosmic upheavals.
Fear of being unwanted by lover.
Heomaengyee shrouded in mystery.
Why so always invisible?
Where in body are you?
Boy, you can mess up our head real good.
You are as ancient as we are - no, more ancient.
And yet we don’t know you.
Rattled by many things. Not solid.
What makes us so unstable?
Always filling that big hole, void. Crawls into addiction.
Heomaengyee, show me how to get you.
False smile
Veil
Tears dammed up.
Who are you?
When no one is watching?
Scared to make a difference.
WHAT IS IT?
CAN YOU CHOOSE A SIDE?
Can you deeply listen.
Stop
the
mind.
What do you do when Heomaengyee is also a protector?
Bekah
When no one is watching
When you aren’t trying to prove
When you feel loved
Scared to commit deeper
Too idealistic?
Lost or complacent?
What give meaning?
Selfish or self-less
Can you choose a side
Is it worth creating art over
Are you like monkey king?
Are you an addict, a narcissist
What is it?
Can you deeply listen to yourself?
Stop the mind
Frustration
Silence weighs
My ancestors spoke up and were punished
Requires tenderness
It’s okay now, times are different
It’s okay to speak/it’s okay to not speak
First they take our spirit
Fire, our spirit
Colonization
Fear; burning; blood; bleeding
Fire spitting from the ocean
How it evades a container having all and no form
Not listening to guidance
Invisible no more
Slicing through the stone in my throat
Why don’t you say something, “Say something!”
Her gaze mocks you, or does it?
Remember, then let it go
Tears struggle to flow, dammed up by shame
I have nothing to say anymore
Lost
Am I living? I don’t feel alive
Rejected; rejecting
Loneliness; numbness
Fed false notions of success
Words no longer feel useful
Get here, get this, get here, get this
I’m tired
Hide your wisdom
Hide your identity
Sickness, helplessness, loves death, hunger, traumas, cancer survivor, violence, tragic death
What causes your mind
Where in our body are you? Heart? Muscles?
Hurts, hurts, hurts and hurts
Existed long before humans came to be
Last time I identified you as the crazy one
Women of three generations have symptoms of you
Rattled by many things
Can’t sit for too long
What makes us so unstable
She crawls into addiction
Show me how to get to you
So impatient with heongmanyee
Why are they so plain looking
I want to be significant
I want to be visible
Indifference as a defense mechanism
Trying to build up the support
Indifference as courage; strength
Detach from the chaos, the muck
Clarity comes from heomaengyee
Heomaengyee Is still making me upset
Loneliness and fear
Questioning
But then I felt like nothing else was supposed to come out, at least for today
It started thousands of years ago
Sanctity. Natural and normal
Criticism and judgment of others, grew into self judgment, self-hatred
Is that self-hatred true?
Healing the self is also healing the ancestors
Today the answer is: Let them see how brave you are
All stories from Amy Huỳnh, Dongyi Wu, Emily Encina, Judy-Jaeeun Jun, Katie Tao, Frances Cachapero, Laura Coelho, Rebekah Olstad, Inhui Lee, Sol Rhee, Trang Tran, Katherine Kim Tom, Tiff Rex Rei, and Dohee Lee